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Jared’s Immigration Plan Is A ‘Complete Whiff’

Jared’s Immigration Plan Is A ‘Complete Whiff’


WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO THE LATE
SHOW, I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU KNOW, THERE’S NOTHING BETTER
FOR TAKING YOUR MIND OFF A LOOMING TRADE WAR THAN A LOOMING
WAR WAR. (LAUGHTER)
BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE NEWSPAPER, WE MIGHT BE
HEADED TO ONE WITH IRAN AND HERE IS WHAT IS GOING ON. THE ADMINISTRATION CLAIMS THAT
THERE ARE WARNING SIGNS THAT IRAN PLANS TO ATTACK U.S. INTERESTS IN THE MIDDLE EAST. BUT THE INTELLIGENCE FOR THAT IS
NOT CLEAR. AND WE KNOW THAT THANKS TO
SECRETARY OF STATE AND RAINING CHAMPION RETURNING TO
RIBMANIA– (LAUGHTER).>>Stephen: MIKE POMPEO. HE’S A MONSTER IN THE RIB PIT. NOW POMPEO WENT TO BRUSSEL THIS
WEEK TO EXPLAIN TO OUR ALLIES ITEM U.S. IS SO CONCERNED ABOUT
IRAN. BUT EUROPEAN OFFICIALS SAY
POMPEO DIDN’T SHOW US ANY EVIDENCE. WELL, THAT’S NOT RIGHT. THAT IS NOT RIGHT AT ALL. WE KNOW, WE KNOW IF YOU WANT TO
MAKE A CASE FOR A WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST YOU HAVE TO PRESENT
AIRTIGHT EVIDENCE LIKE THIS VIEL, FULL OF SWEET N LOW, THIS
MEETING CAME AFTER THE ADMINISTRATION SENT AN AIRCRAFT
CARRIER, A BOMBER GROUP AND OTHER WARSHIPS IT TO THE PERSIAN
GULF REGION. THEY WERE DEPLOYED FROM THEIR
PREVIOUS ASSIGNMENT PATROLLING THE MEXICAN BORDER. THEN, THEN THE ACTING DEFENSE
SECRETARY WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND PRESENTED AN UPDATED
MILITARY PLAN THAT ENVISIONED SENDING AS MANY AS 120,000
TROOPS TO THE MIDDLE EAST. RISING TENSIONS IN THE MIDDLE
EAST, AMERICAN MILITARY MOVE TO THE REGION BASED ON QUESTIONABLE
INTELLIGENCE, THE WORST THROWBACK THURSDAY EVER. (LAUGHTER)
AND, (APPLAUSE)
AND I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY. SO DOES DONALD TRUMP. ACCORDING TO SOURCES IN THE
WHITE HOUSE, HE IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ALL THIS REGIME
CHANGE TALK. WHICH TO HIS EARS ECOS THE
DISCUSSION OF REMOVING IRAQI PRESIDENT SADDAM HUSSEIN BEFORE
THE 2003 U.S. INVASION. I’M JUST GOING TO SAY THIS AND I
KNOW IT WILL NEVER BE USED OUT OF CONTEXT, THANK GOD DONALD
TRUMP IS OUR PRESIDENT. (LAUGHTER)
TRUMP IS — BECAUSE IN THIS CASE TRUMP IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT HERE. AND IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW NOT TO
GO TO WAR, IT IS DONALD TRUMP. (LAUGHTER)
ACCORDING TO, ACCORDING TO ADMINISTRATION SOURCES TRUMP
PREFERS A DIPLOMATIC APPROACH TO RESOLVING TENSIONS AND WANTS TO
SPEAK DIRECTLY WITH IRAN’S LEADERS. GREAT, TRUMP WILL GET A CHANCE
TO BREAK OUT HIS DIPLOMATIC CHARMS WHEN HE MEETS AYATOLLAH
KHAMENEI.>>ST A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU
MUSLIM WIZARD. (LAUGHTER)
REALLY NICE, I LIKE THE PLACE. MR. DUMBLEDORE OF THE DESERT,
PLEASE DON’T PUT A SPELL ON ME. I COME IN PEACE. NOW LET’S SEE THAT FLYING
CARPET, WHERE WE GOT THAT. OH, WHOLE NEW WORLD, A NEW
FANTASTIC DON’T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR EYES. ♪ CARPET OVER THERE. APPARENTLY THE OFFICIAL PUSHING
THIS WAR IS NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND CARTOON BEAVER
ASKING YOU TO LITTER JOHN BOLTON. BOLTON HAS ADVOCATED REGIME
CHANGE IN IRAQ, LIBYA, SYRIA, NORTH KOREA, VENEZUELA AND IRAN. IT IT IS ALL PROMOTING HIS
BUSINESS QUAGMIRES ARE US. I WANNA BLOW EM ALL UP, I’M A
QUAGMIRE KID, THERE’S A MILLION BOMBS THAT I COULD DROP TO KILL
THEM ALL WITH. (APPLAUSE)
NOW MORE PLANES, MORE BOMBS. ♪ SO WHO IS GOING TO WIN THIS
ARGUMENT? THE PRESIDENT OR HIS NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR. IT’S HARD TO TESM THE PRESIDENT
WAS ASKED ABOUT IT THIS MORNING.>>MR. PRESIDENT, ARE WE GOING
TO WAR WITH IRAN?>>I HOPE NOT. (LAUGHTER)
I HOPE NOT BUT NO ONE COULD (LAUGHTER)
I HOPE NOT BUT NO ONE COULD PREDICT WHAT THAT MAGIC EIGHT
BALL IS GOING TO TELL ME NEXT. TRUMP DENY THERE IS ANY CONFLICT
ABOUT THE POSSIBLE CONFLICT WITH IRAN TWEETING THE FAKE NEWS
“WASHINGTON POST” AND EVEN MORE FAKE NEWS “NEW YORK TIMES,” ARE
WRITING STORIES THAT THERE IS IN-FIGHTING WITH RESPECT TO MY
STRONG POLICY IN THE MIDDLE EAST. THERE IS NO IN-FIGHTING
WHATSOEVER DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT. DIFFERENT OPINIONS ARE EXPRESSED
AND I MAKE A DECISIVE AND FINAL DECISION, IT IS A VERY SIMPLE
PROCESS, ALL SIDES, VIEWS AND POLICIES ARE COVERED. I AM SURE THAT IRAN WILL WANT TO
TALK SOON, K, THINGS ARE PROCEEDING SMOOTHLY. EVERYONE GETS A CHANCE TO LAY
OUT THEIR OPINION AND THEN I IGNORE THEM ALL AND IT’S BACK TO
MR. EIGHT BALL. HERE WE GO HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO. KEEP SAYING EIGHT, I DON’T
UNDERSTAND. (LAUGHTER)
NOW THEY HAVEN’T REALLY COMMUNICATED THEIR RATIONALE FOR
WAR WITH IRAN TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. OR THE– PART LEIGH BECAUSE
THERE HAS NOT BEEN AN OFFICIAL BRIEFING FROM THE PENTAGON
SPOKESMAN IN ALMOST A YEAR. BUT WITH THIS LOOMING
CONFRONTATION, WHAT THEY BELIEVE IS GOING TO BE AGAINST A
BURGEONING NUCLEAR POWER THE ADMINISTRATION TOOK ACTION. HE HAD SENT OUT GENE SIMMONS. (LAUGHTER)
THAT’S NOT A MOCK-UP 6789 AND I JUST WANT TO SAY WHAT THE HELL,
WE’RE ON THE BRINK OF A WAR AND GENE SIMMONS IS AT THE PENTAGON
PODIUM? THAT IS RIDICULOUS. YOU COULDN’T GET KID ROCK? (LAUGHTER)
OF COURSE THE KISS ARMY HAS LONG TRADITION OF RELATIONSHIPS WITH
THE U.S. MILITARY. WE ALL REMEMBER THIS FAMOUS
PORTRAIT OF GEORGE WASHINGTON. FROM THERE GENE SIMMONS HEADED
IT TO THE WHITE HOUSE, WOW. AN ALLEGED SEXUAL HARASSER WHO
WEARS SCARY CLOWN MAKEUP AT THE WHITE HOUSE AND GENE SIMMONS
VISITED. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TRUMP WAS– YOU SEE, TRUMP WAS IN THE ROSE GARDEN THIS
AFTERNOON PUSHING A BRAND NEW IMMIGRATION PLAN. ST IS SLIGHTLY MORE NEW ANED
THAT HIS PREVIOUS STRATEGY. THE NEW PLAN COMES COURTESY OF
PROFESSIONAL DAUGHTER-HUSBAND JARED KUSHNER. WHO WANTS TO MOVE IMMIGRATION
TOWARD A MERIT-BASED SYSTEM THAT WOULD FAVOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH
LEVEL SKILLS, DEGREES AND JOB OFFERS INSTEAD OF RELATIVES. REALLY? JARED KUSHNER IS REALLY
CALLING AN END FOR GIVING PEOPLE SPECIAL TREATMENT BECAUSE OF
THEIR RELATIVES? YOU DON’T WANT TO RETHINK THAT? YOU DON’T WANT TO– PLAWSES
(APPLAUSE) THE WHITE HOUSE WANTS TO START
EVALUATING IMMIGRANTS ON A POINT SYSTEM BASED ON PROFESSIONAL
SKILLS, EDUCATION LEVELS, AGE AND ENGLISH ABILITY. OF COURSE WITH SPECIAL WAIVERS
GIVEN TO 72 YEAR OLD FAILED CASINO OWNERS WHO CANNOT SPELL. THE CRAZIEST PART OF THIS NEW
PLAN IS THAT IT WILL PRIORITIZE APPLICANTS WITH DEMONSTRATE
SOMETHING CALLED PATRIOTIC ASSIMILATION. MEANING IT WOULD FAVOR
IMMIGRANTS WITH AN ACTIVE INTEREST IN INCORPORATING THE
NATION’S CULTURE AND WAY OF LIFE. OKAY, OUR CULTURE AND OUR WAY OF
LIFE. SO IF ARE YOU GOING TO WANT TO
STAY HERE ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE STRONG OPINIONS ON
WHETHER PILLSBURY CINNAMON ROLLS COME WITH ENOUGH FROSTING. IF YOU SAY THEY DO, BACK ON THE
BOAT. BUT THAT’S NOT THE KIND OF
AMERICAN CULTURE TRUMP’S PLAN IS LOOKING FOR. THEY WANT GREEN CARD APPLICANTS
TO PASS AN EXAM BASED ON A READING OF GEORGE WASHINGTON
HE’S FAREWELL ADDRESS OR THOMAS JEFER SN’S LETTER TO THE DANBURY
BAPTIST ASSOCIATION. NOW RAISE YOUR HAND AND BE
HONEST IF YOU HAVE THERD OF THOMAS JEFFERSON’S LETTER TO THE
DANBURY BAPTIST ASSOCIATION. IF YOUR HAND IS UP YOU ARE
EITHER A LIAR OR A MEMBER OF THE DANBURY BAPTIST ASSOCIATION. (LAUGHTER)
BUT, BOTH DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS HATE THE SLAM,
“POLITICO” DESCRIBED IT AS JARED’S COMPLETE WHIFF. THIS FATHER’S DAY GIVE YOUR MAN
A WHIFF OF JARED. HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM. DANGEROUSLY UNQUALIFIED. (LAUGHTER)
THE WHITE HOUSE KNOWS THIS PLAN DOESN’T HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE IN
CONGRESS AND HAS BEEN DESCRIBING IT AS A CONVERSATION STARTER. YOU KNOW, LIKE SOMETHING
PROVOCATIVE YOU LEAVE ON A COFFEE TABLE LIKE A STEAMING
TURD. WHAT IS THAT? I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

100 thoughts on “Jared’s Immigration Plan Is A ‘Complete Whiff’”

  1. I am a Muslim and I found that Muslim Wizard Joke funny.
    Khameini is not Muslim, he is a Shia. www.shia.bs
    Shi'sm is not Islam since articles of faith of sh'ite beliefs are nowhere in the Quran. e.g. article of belief in 12 godlike imams

  2. "Magic 8-ball" – is that the code name for Benjamin Netanyahu, or MBS? Cause that's who seems to be pushing for a war with Iran.

    It's nice to see, that there's a war you won't endorse, Stephen. That's refreshing.

  3. The war should be eliminating these anti-American talk shows and excusing the "puppet hosts" for pushing the agendas of the.media heads.

  4. In Australia the immigration department tests, (payed for by the applicant ) people who are working here, paying taxes, have Australian born children and are good citizens, by making them write in English, a letter which most locals would not have the skills to complete. It’s unfair, makes the department lots of money and targets the wrong people. America is going down this path and will lose a lot of good citizens.

  5. The European Union does not believe anything the US says anymore, not after the Irak fiasco. The Country that Cried Wolf.

  6. Colbert's "analysis" is a complete joke.
    You are not a political analysis, you are a late night goofball. Capishe?

  7. iran has a very good argument that they are being threatened by america and ask for permission to defend themselves against same aggression. america if you go to war with iran take bodybags for your children's bodies and take a good number of them this is not iraq or afganistan, iran are well defended and well weaponized. troop numbers will be boosted by other arabs going there to fight alongside Iranians. this time you could well be alone to fight on your own as other countries have no problem with in place agreement they still have, and der orange fuehrer has pissed of too many nato leaders to be able to rely on them.

  8. What a shock that Bolton is arguing for regime change. We can thank George W. for that fluffy-mustached cancer who keeps trying to get us into wars.

  9. I'm scared. I'm not well versed in politics but I just had to register foe the draft this year when I turned 18. I don't want to fight in any war. I'm terrified

  10. The hypocrisy of that Immigration plan by JKushner could line a chemical tanker containing nuclear waste for 1000 years. For now, though, it's keeping a massive pile of bulls*** together.

  11. No wonder these people want to work for Lumpy, its a piggy bank free for all, spend spend spend. Work for the public I'm on strike until you stop investigating me. So he'll be out awhile

  12. This administration has the most incompetent people all in one place! None of them know what the hell there doing!!

  13. Trump is just a little narcissist isn't he? This guy says me,me,me more than anyone I have ever heard! It can make you sick…..or is it I,I,I??

  14. He’s willing to start a war to deflect from his own crimes. Send his kids first. They’re not that smart, but they are young and able bodied….unless bone spurs run in the family.

  15. Oh my! Am I the only one losing there shit when he said that gene is at the white house in front of the podium?!? I'm not sure I'm liking this simulation lol

  16. Invading Iran would be impossible they are surrounded on all sides by mountain ranges. They have more than double Iraq’s population.

    And that’s not even considering our lack of an exit strategy.

  17. The US needs smarter crazy people. Why is it when some nut job looses it, he goes and shoots up a mall, a school, a concert or theatre and they never go shoot at these idiot politicians ? I know why, it's because 99% of the time, these nut bags are Republicunts and everyone knows that Republicunts are pussies. If you need a weapon to fight, you're a fucking pussy. Plus if your going to bring a weapon, why a gun or machine gun why not show up wit a bazooka or better yet, a tank, I mean you already showed that you're a pussy cause you can't defend yourself with you're own two hands. You know the type, declares how tough they are and then they reach for a rocket launcher. FUCKING PUSSIES !!!!!!!!

  18. Kushner is dumpster raw no experience what soever put in power to protect his conman crook father in law. How wrong America???

  19. Thank you, my fellow NU comrade! You continue to provide my hours and hours of satisfying therapy to the clown show in our beloved White House! I can't wait for the American People to get it back!

  20. Catch and release laws requires Border Patrol to release illegal immigrants to the US, whenever they claim asylum and a fear of harm if deported back to their country. Trump wishes to build a wall along the US Mexico Border, and some portions of this wall is, or will be physically set back some distance from the actual legal border. It would be a great idea to bus illegals that claim asylum, or otherwise may not be deported, to areas where the wall is set back some distance from the legal border. Technically this would not be a deportation, because they will be dropped off inside the legal boundaries of the US. A good wall, fences, gates, checkpoints, etc.. should prevent those lacking legal status from passing thru the checkpoints along the wall and entering, or re-entering the US. It would be nice to have some water and shade available at the drop off points.

    There are many large national parks, forests and other public lands along the border with Mexico. Instead of just one wall, two or more walls may be constructed on the US side of the border, and they may allow unrestricted travel south, to exit from the US to Mexico. Northbound travel would be restricted by typical customs and immigration checkpoints. Some illegals could be transported to campgrounds on the north/US side of the walls, fences and gates that will prevent these illegal campers from passing north thru checkpoints to the US, but allow an easy exit south to Mexico. Again, these illegal asylum seekers would still be within the US, and technically this would not be a deportation. Many nice campgrounds could be built with showers, picnic tables, pavilions, bathrooms, BBQ grills, etc.. and these campgrounds would enhance the national parks and be available to US campers after the immigration crisis is over. Make US Campgrounds Great Again.

  21. your moron of a fake president…wont be happy until he has war under his belt…he doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else…

  22. If Trump doesn't want war, he could just FIRE JOHN BOLTON AND MIKE POMPEO right? 🤔 Only a leader could do that.

  23. I love how he still screaming fake news, when Fox News sources most of their material from everything he calls fake.

  24. What is the interest of the USA in the Middle-East? I thought that USA has enough oil for themselfs. Is The USA the policeman of the world? When I see how the police handles difficult situations in the slums in big cities in the States, i am not very happy with that role!

  25. So merit based imigration? They come over for agriculture jobs no one does here and tRumps base complains about their jobs being taken. So now they want educated people with job prospects in the US?

  26. aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!! "it keeps sayin 8, I don't understand." …. Well done Sir, i nearly peed myself

  27. In minute 4:15 Stephen asks: who is to win from this argument? I think US warlordsare to win, and to win a lot by TRADING weapons. They always win.

  28. Interesting Jared chose this letter declaring the separation of church and state: (from the Library of Congress)
    Jefferson's Letter to the Danbury Baptists
    The Final Letter, as Sent
    To messers. Nehemiah Dodge, Ephraim Robbins, & Stephen S. Nelson, a committee of the Danbury Baptist association in the state of Connecticut.

    Gentlemen

    The affectionate sentiments of esteem and approbation which you are so good as to express towards me, on behalf of the Danbury Baptist association, give me the highest satisfaction. my duties dictate a faithful and zealous pursuit of the interests of my constituents, & in proportion as they are persuaded of my fidelity to those duties, the discharge of them becomes more and more pleasing.

    Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I CONTEMPLATE WITH SOVEREIGN REVERENCE THAT THE ACT OF THE WHOLE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHICH DECLARED THAT THEIR lLEGISLATOR SHOULD MAKE NO LAW "RESPECTING AN ESTABLISHED RELIGION, OR PROHIBITING THE FREE EXERCISE THEREOF" THUS BUILDING A WALL OF SEPARATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties.

    I reciprocate your kind prayers for the protection & blessing of the common father and creator of man, and tender you for yourselves & your religious association, assurances of my high respect & esteem.

    Thomas Jefferson
    Jan. 1. 1802.

  29. So if they are going to allow someone in the country based on their intelligence, Rumpty and his brood are going to have to leave.

  30. Stephen..dear Stephen"…..please do not make jokes about previous wars of US…which led to other allies part of that war…some people may not find that funny…including ME

  31. Ok now your talking..kid rock..I think he actually voted for f…….Trump…kid what the fuck….I love you…please do not vote for that fffff man

  32. Are You Not Entertained!?!?! Quagmire R US! I hope NOT! Kiss Army! Professional relatives! Danbury Baptist Association Test? Dangerously Unqualified! 🤪 🎱

  33. PENTAGON CANNOT POSSIBLY TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY FROM THE ASSHAT AND THIEF IN THE ULTRAWHITHOUSE. I KNOW THE CIA DON'T. #DEMOCRAT2020

  34. Trump has been dealing with Russia. Which is why he won’t reveal his tax returns. He owes Russia millions if not more.

  35. So you mean USA has allies in Europe where you call some of their prime minister's stupid? Time will tell.

  36. Someone is seriously working hard to earn Nobel peace prize by escalating and de-escalating tension all over the world.

  37. If they want to stay here they have to acquire the same lying, brainwashing, murdering, thieving, mindset as what this country was built on that now plans to take this mindset out into outer space with our space force.

  38. Jefferson's letter to the Danbury Baptist Association led to the establishment of the wall of separation between the state and religion. Extra points if you know who the Baptist Association had accused of religious persecution.

  39. actually it can lower wages for dr and engineers and allow cuts to education. what makes more sense, have people come and work their way up or bring in engineers and dr to kill good jobs for our young college people.

  40. Donald Trump doesn’t put all of those dots after his comments on twitter because twitter only allows 140 characters……it’s because, like a plant, he thinks that you need time to absorb this pile of shit before you need to be fed again.

  41. Wow! Picking up that Stephen is taking edit leads from Randy Rainbow. Should have him on the show. (Tulsi not given credit for her tenacity on regime change.). Colbert on CBS strings and preserving self-promo.

  42. I watch this when I am having a bad day.. lmfao 😂😂😂😂 T is a big fat joke..I can not even spell his while name.

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