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Rodent Recap – MMM 2019 – Cat-E-Gory + Tag Team Round 2!!!

Rodent Recap – MMM 2019 – Cat-E-Gory + Tag Team Round 2!!!


Stop! Mammal time! Tonight it is round two of the tag team and cat-e-gory divisions. I am MC Marmot, and this is March Mammal Madness! When we last saw the fisher cat, it was en route to the Calgary Zoo to become part of the Fisher Relocation Project, in which fishers are being reintroduced to Washington State. The fisher was released in its new home, Mount Rainier National Park. After taking in the beautiful scenery and enjoying a tasty meal, the fisher began climbing a tree for a nap. But this tree was home to a tiger owl! The owl flew into action! The owl attacked and sent the fisher plummeting to the ground, and finished it off. So long, fisher! The tiger owl wins! Our teams met in Namibia’s Etosha National Park. The oxpecker sat in a tree watching as the zebra prepared to defend himself against a whole different kind of foe – another young male zebra, challenging its place in the herd. A fierce zebra battle ensued, a battle which edged closer and closer to a termite mound where the aardvark was forging and the cucumber plant was…uh…growing. Startled, the aardvark rose up on his hind legs and put up its claws, but it was caught by the zebra’s flying hooves, which then landed and smushed up several aardvark cucumber plants. The aardvark would have to find another place for dinner. The zebra and oxpecker are going to the sweet 16! MC. I’m reporting from Mexico, where the coyote and badger team were adventuring across the plains together, The jacana and the capybara were hanging out under a tree when the jacana saw the coyote coming towards them. The jacana sounded the alarm – – Red alert – but then it took off! It abandoned its tag team partner! Can you imagine? The capybara tried to head to the nearby water for safety, But the badger cut off its path and slammed into it! There was…there was blood, and a lot of carnage. Our capybara friend is no more. The coyote and badger are enjoying it for dinner and they win. We now go back to San Francisco – more specifically, to a dock in San Francisco. The sea lion was hungry and spotted some delicious tourist food on the ground. But the cat shark also spotted the food, and the cat shark is able to move on land. It was a sprint across the slippery dock; truly, a sight to behold. The smaller, lighter cat shark reached the prize first, but the much heavier sea lion could not stop its momentum in time, and bodyslammed into the cat shark, crushing it. The sea lion wins, and takes the shark’s body with it! The crab and loggerhead sea turtle found themselves in the shallow waters off Fiji. It was rather nice… …until the wrasse and moray eel saw them. The eel struck at the crab, while the wrasse went after the algae on the turtle shell. The turtle moved to defend its tag team partner and snapped with its powerful beak, breaking the eel’s spine! The crab was now free and went after the wrasse, slashing at it with its claws. The eel and wrasse were shredded. The crab and turtle are the winners! [Heroes in a half shell! Turtle power!] Thanks to March Mammal Magic, the macaque was suddenly transported to Thailand, waking up a bearcat in a nearby tree The macaque was curious and approached the bearcat, who warned him to back off. The macaque kept jumping about Investigating and calling for backup. But there was no backup to be found, and the increasingly irritated bearcat snarled and chased the macaque out of her tree, and out of the competition! The bearcat wins! Our mongoose and warthog team or relaxing on the savanna in Fongoli, Senegal, when the red colobus and Diana monkeys arrived. Our simian team lives in trees, and were out of place due to – all together now – Home Field Advantage. Team Wargoose was not interested in the monkeys, but the chimpanzees living on the savanna were! The colobus and Diana monkey tried to run up the closest tree, but could not escape the attacking chimpanzees. There was carnage. The red colobus was eaten – head first. [Whoa! Unbelievable!] Team Wargoose did not even have to lift a paw…or a hoof…in order to outlast the monkeys, and advance to the sweet 16. Hey, MC! I’m reporting from what’s gonna be South Dakota one day. Right now, we’re on the nimravid’s home turf and we’re in its home era. But the nimravid isn’t looking too good. Its nasal cavity is all messed up. You know why? Because dandelion seeds are up there, causing an infection! Ha! [“Way to breathe, no breath!”] So anyway, the nimravid sees the tiger quoll just as the quoll takes down an ancient rabbit, and it’s hungry. So the quoll and the nimravid are having a standoff when BAM! Something crashes out of the shrubbery. It’s another nimravid! Did you know nimravids used to eat each other? Ew. So the nimravids start fighting and the tiger quoll stays there…and wins! Do you hear that, Team Dandelion? You have been avenged! Woooo! And whoop, there it is, the end of the division battles. From now on, we go on into the Sweet Sixteen; the Elite Trait; the Final Roar; and finally, the Championship! We will be back with more rodent reports. I am MC Marmot and this is March Mammal Madness.

11 thoughts on “Rodent Recap – MMM 2019 – Cat-E-Gory + Tag Team Round 2!!!”

  1. I'm gonna send a dead tiger carcass to the scientists who made the bracket to show how little I appreciate the nimravid losing to the tiger quoll

  2. This is fucking dogshit. How the fuck does a tiger quol win. This isn’t based off of who is the better mammal. This is worse than the NIT.

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